Thursday, April 19, 2012

My night at Pandora's Box or Why pain is dopelicious





Smoking another cigarette and burning down a drink into my throat. 

I didn't feel like having a party touch down. Sitting in the black car, holding the man I love. I feel melancholic today. I'm on my way to heaven, but still…….His skin is soft and he always dresses perfectly. Sometimes I look at him and think he jumped out of a magazine and now he's here with me. His hair is always perfect. The glance in his eyes is always perfect. His smell and his taste are always…more than perfect.

I always feel perfect when he's with me. But I often feel melancholic too. Why is that? Sometimes it seems I need to choose between my vision in life and him.

I feel perfect when he's holding me. I can trust him and I feel perfectly secure. Always. I wonder if this could be love. Maybe…

"What are we gonna do tonight?" he's asking me.
I heard of this place a few weeks ago. I'm stressfully afraid of boredom, I must say. I found a fashion book with images of an S&M studio the middle of nowhere. Smiling, I tell my boyfriend that this is what I'm gonna do tonight, and if he would come with me, it would be even better.

He's surprised and amazed. Well, men are always amazed about that kind of stuff. To me it's more like a kind of experiment.

I want to feel this place- I wanna smell it and be inspired. Every time I hit such a place, it's the same excitement I feel, like when I was about 8 or 9 years old, visiting an amusement park with all the crazy roller coasters, haunted houses and bumper cars.


I can't really remember when I started to become fascinated by mystery and darkness. By the pain and pleasure of adrenaline. By the edge of madness and overcoming fearfulness.

Within 6 years my favorite movies became horror and action movies. By the age of 7 I knew all the Nightmare on Elm Street and was secretly in love with Freddie Krueger ;) By the age of 8 I started to read my first books and as my parents were quite open-minded to let their girl read more sophisticated literature, I asked my mom to buy me books of John Sinclair by Jason Dark. I can remember my very first one was named, "The Fear Maker" and the second "The Killer Eyes of Brussels".

Another one I can't forget by today was "The Seduction of the Killer Snake Woman". On the other hand, I read lots of poetic love novels, and also more usual stuff like teen books about horses, and books by Astrid Lindgren (all novels of Pippi Lonstockings who fascinated me all my life).

Of course my mom was surprised I was into that kind of stuff, but she wanted to support my interest and just watched my reactions towards it.

And I was stunned by and loved my John Sinclair books. The next step was the literature of Stephen King and Dean Koontz. 

I felt limited going to the library with its age restriction. All the books I was into were made for older people. So I asked my mom to buy them for me, and she did. BTW thanks mom ;)

So I guess it's just in my blood, that I like to scratch beyond the surface and literally love the dark and mysterious side of life.

That's why we got here- Pandora's Box!

I'm ringing the door bell. It's an ordinary building. You'd never expect there was anything weird going on here (as always with these kinds of places)

A woman is opening the door and we're walking down a long staircase into a lounge where another madame- a blonde, older, very friendly lady in black leather offers us some drinks.

"What are you going to experience tonight? she's asking.
And she's smiling at me.

"Has he been a bad guy?"she asks.

I'm smiling back.
"Oh yes he has, but I've been a bad girl, too! So I guess I need some nice treatment as well!"

The lady seems speechless for a moment which I find quite funny. Then she says: "You're a very elegant looking couple. Did you ever try that before?"

"No, never!" my boyfriend says, and I just shake my head very quickly.

We're both lying for sure, but it's fine. We like to keep our romance looking perfect.

So she's taking us through the rooms. Three of them are occupied :) So we had to choose between the Ming's Palace and The Sanctum.

I choose Ming's Palace because of its beautiful mixture of darkness and fairytale, then we're going to switch to The Sanctum later when it gets free…as she showed us some great pictures of it.

So we close the door and I'm becoming my boyfriends mistress. Giving myself a fake name, pretending to be a greek woman priest who falls in love with her servant and seduces him. I love these kinds of fantasies. 

And I love to kiss my boyfriend, the strong-minded man who becomes a little puppy at the right moments. 

I guess we were just kissing each other for hours. Someone put some music on. Sadness by Enigma. I am in an S&M studio with my boyfriend and we're just kissing between whips and wheel chairs and medical torture implements.

Then a girl comes in. She says the other room is free now and we can use it. I ask her to stay with us and she agrees.


I guess I need to get out of the perfection sometimes I feel with my love.


Okay, great. This  is the real torture room with a gynecological chair, lots of instruments for bondage, clinical treatments, spanking and some weird kinds of fetishes.
My boyfriend sits down. "I will watch!" he says.

I'm becoming a little scared right now. Maybe I was feeling too brave before. But the girl can sense my worries. She has black long hair. She isn't pretty, but well, she is empathetic and I kind of like to give away control today.

"What are you into? "she asks.

"To lose my ground. That's what I want."

She shows me a nice apparatus fixed to ceiling. I stop breathing for a moment.

Don't be scared," she smiles again. "I have a doctor's degree!"


So I am finding myself hanging upside down from the ceiling, fettered in steel and covered with thick acupuncture needles. It is a pretty bizarre feeling. The first moments I think, "I wanna get out, let me down, let me down." But then I'm pushing myself to stay brave, to get through it, and I find a crazy, never experienced relaxation. It's like I'm forced to truly give up control over my body. I feel so much pain in my muscles, it seems I can't breathe, but after maybe 5 minutes the effect is…I really relax. And after 10 more minutes it's getting bizarre and I start to understand why people do get addicted to these kinds of experiences. I feel kind of transcendental. Disembodied. Just as starving, meditating, and specific drugs can open your mind to supernatural and unearthly dimensions, so does pain. 
The more needles and clamps she fixes to my body, the more I'm falling into a state of trance. I hear how my boyfriend is talking, but it seems like it's out of another world. And I start to feel horribly good with that situation. I'm falling into dreams, watching myself from the outside. I realize I don't have to be scared. I don't have to be untrusting. I feel bonded to this world in a good way. 

After one hour we stop the session.

"Wow! You can take a lot girl!" she laughs and helps me to get out of my bonds.
I can see red welts and stitches all over my body and it has never been of so little interest to me before. I feel high- like I'm on drugs.

I kiss my boyfriend and we leave this place….I understand that we sometimes need pain to bring us closer to ourselves. To push us into meditation and lose control.

My trust has been increased and my melancholy is gone. 

I know the right things are going to happen. And there's no pain to fear. Pain is meditation and self reflection we refused. 

That is why I call pain dopelicious







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